Log in

No account? Create an account
entries friends calendar profile Metphistopheles Previous Previous Next Next
Dumb Animals - Blather. Rants. Repeat.
A Møøse once bit my sister ...
Dumb Animals
There's a reason we're at the top of the food chain, and it is not the opposable thumb.  More of it lies in the fact that the lesser life forms have brains that do not exactly measure up to the size of a planet.

Let's meet some of them.

* Squirrels.

We try to keep all kinds of wildlife from starving, especially this time of year, and do it mainly through the bird feeder(s) in the front yard. It's bad enough that these gray furry varmints hog most of the seed and leave us with sights of upside-down squirrel testicles. No, the little shits routinely knock down the feeders, rendering at least one a year utterly useless, or more often requiring me to root through piles of spat-out rotting seeds and bird poop to find the screw, nut or other part needed to put Humpty the Feeder back together again.

This is why we can't have nice things. You idiots, when mama told you to gather nuts for the winter? She meant these-

Fortunately, I found the missing part, and loaded the sucker back up- just in time for Rocky to show up, along with a new and angry friend.  Sorry, squirrels, there's a new sheriff in town:

That's a hawk. A merlin, we think. On its left is what we think was "early dinner."

Don't mess with the bird feeder, assholes.


* Lab-Sharpei mix dogs.

Don't get me wrong; I adore our bark park time, especially in the quiet, and even in the much colder and snowier weather that greeted us this morning. The whole gang was louder and faster-moving than usual, probably because playing helps to keep them from turning into frozen statues (and possibly, for the smaller ones, into Purina Hawk Chow).  No, it's nothing Ebony did or didn't do at the parp!  It's the getting there and back that is never half the fun.

It's a routine by now.  We go at 8 on Sundays to meet our friends.  I leave a little earlier than they do so I can grab my obligatory Timmy's coffee and breakfast sammich on the way. I load Ebony in the back seat, and as soon as we get to the drive-thru, she tries to climb into the front seat and invariably gets stuck.  On one occasion she was wound so tight I had to stop the car in the donut shop parking lot and let her out- whereupon she looked round like, Wow! Never been in this part of the park before! Look! A dumpster!  I shooed her back in before she could poop, which is usually what dumpsters bring out in her.

So it was again, only just a mild entanglement.  But she saved her best efforts for the drive home. This time she started out in the front passenger seat, only to climb to the back, only to begin whining on the 290 once she suspected we might be going someplace horrid- like a vet, or an auto mechanic.  By the time we pulled in to the garage, she had tangled the leash so badly in the car, and around itself, I couldn't even get her out far enough to remove it from her collar without seriously considering cutting it off.  Finally, I found where her license tag had gotten stuck in the loop where the leash connects, and unentangled everything just in time....

just in time, that is, for her to get stuck again by dragging the just-freed leash around Eleanor's car and getting the handhold end stuck under one of Ziggy's wheels.

We'll see how this goes next Sunday when I take JARVIS on his maiden bark park voyage. At least she can't get stuck in the back seat anymore because it hasn't got one.


* Idiot neighbors.

For this one, we refuse to blame the dog- even though it's always so easy to do, as with farts.

Ebony went out around to do her bidness 5:15 this morning, and that's when I first heard it. Eleanor was less lucky.  Harley, the purebred black lab next door at Chateau Idiot, had been barking, by her count, since just after 4. Inside the house, where apparently he was the only living soul around.  That's still a problem, though- because other than Head Idiot's mancave which is in the corner of their house closest to our property line, they've got the place pretty sparsely furnished, and thus when Harley goes barkey, it resonates as if he's in an echo chamber.

Ebony going out only made him bark and echo more. She of course did this twice by the time I fed animals just before 6, but he finally shut up and was still quiet when Ebony and I left for the parp!

Again, for Eleanor, not so much. He went off again around 8, and this time she called it in to the cops. This is also when she took the opportunity to mention that we can't really just knock on their door and ask nicely when they get home, since Idiot, in his last outburst, told Eleanor that he hopes someday to buy our house and bulldoze it.  (Not bad ambitions for a guy who rents the house he drives us crazy from.)

The sad thing is, Harley is a pretty nice goggie- if somewhat lonely.  If all this shit hadn't gone down, we'd have offered in an instant to go over and let him in and out, maybe even take him walkies or to the park, if they were away.  Because dog people do that kind of thing.  But here? Dogs may be people, too, but idiots aren't:(


Come back later, to see what deviltry the cats wind up getting into.
4 comments or Leave a comment
warriorsavant From: warriorsavant Date: December 13th, 2016 02:23 am (UTC) (Link)
So you have a bird feeder, specifically a hawk feeder. You put out nuts and seeds in the plastic thing, squirrels come to it, and the hawk eats them. Excellent.
angledge From: angledge Date: December 13th, 2016 04:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
It's very Circle of Life!
warriorsavant From: warriorsavant Date: December 14th, 2016 03:48 am (UTC) (Link)
True. Could expand even more by having humans eat the hawks, then dying, and being used for compost for nut and/or seed trees.
angledge From: angledge Date: December 13th, 2016 04:45 pm (UTC) (Link)
Purina Hawk Chow *snort*
4 comments or Leave a comment